| Relieved to be able to post... |
[04 Aug 2006|12:03am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
What might have been a portrait of my life... |
] |
So I''m a bit frazzled and that's why I decided to finally come out of lurking so long to post, it's been a long time since I've needed to cut 9 months has been the latest stretch but my life is falling apart and recently cutting and burning has been my only source of control. God I thought I would have stopped this all, this game I play with myself years ago. But stress and pain have always brought my monsters out to play, but seriously if I knew that at 21 I'd still be torturing my body and loving every minute of it when I started at 10 I would have locked myself up or something, by far my addiction to injury is the most damaging because I want to cut so I need the pills and booze to gather strength and lately it feels like I've been indulging too much.
I know lately the group is for the younger of us bunch, but I needed to just admit that while others consider it backsliding into the hell my life once was, I'm finding it to be heavenly. No more thoughts about breast and colon cancer, and aging family members and mainly death, it's tearing me apart either way and I'm slowly drowning. You'd have thought I'd grow out of it stop and recover and I had before all the shit in my life hit the fan I had been free from cutting etc for nearly 4 years or so, but lately all I want to do is drown in that luring darkness that the pain offers.
I guess by far I am mostly depressed and in a down cycle and I'm dealing with it that way I did before, the best I can.
|
|
|
[04 Aug 2006|12:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
u live by the sword,u die by the sword-ATITS |
] |
yah so, i finally got to watch that show on the women that were cutting themselve. i watched it w/ my mom. that melissa gurl made me cry, 180 dayz w/o cutting. wow. and when i saw that other gurl cut herself on tv, my heart just stopped and then beat really fast when i saw the blood...i started crying. ive never watched someone else cut and no ones ever saw me to it. theyve watched me bleed but never saw me do it. its always been a private thing for me. i mean me and a friend of mine use to cut together in the bathroom at school and watch each other bleed but we never watched eachother do it. i mean she reached over and sucked the blood outta me. i was like whoa. and on our trip to paris on the train she did it but i didnt see her and she said it was my turn so i did the same to her. its just something that was always like when u take a piss or take a shower...no one should see u do it. i know that sounded funny but yah. i dont know...i mean im sad that she did it, but i dont have the urge to do it...bc im trying to fight it off. i mean i did it for 8 months and fuct up once...i can do it again. i know i can. and she refused to seek help which made me so fucking sad. i just wish i knew her y'know? idk...ima shut up now and go call my gurl...lol.
|
|